The ‘It’ Factor Starts With Valuing Yourself

One time my friend introduced me to someone named JD. Before meeting him, my friend warned me to restrain from making senseless jokes around this apparently cool dude. I didn’t understand the hype, but okay.

We arrived. Cutting straight through the kitchen. The instant we entered his bedroom, I felt like the kid from a Disney movie who opened his door to discover a new magical realm behind. There he was. Sitting with one other guy, bumping hip hop songs. I’ve experienced nothing like this before. The closest thing I could describe it as is being star-struck. This skin-headed, white/Hispanic looking hooligan exuded energy so powerful that I felt my entire body sucked out of me. I was in JD world.

We’ve all met someone who alters the dynamic of a room by simply walking in. They radiate a glow and presence that forces us to pay them undivided attention. People feel honored just to be in the same facility. The question that everybody is dying to know is, how do we cultivate this type of influence on the world? How do we stand out and become more memorable?

I would be lying if I told you I knew the answer. I don’t. Or else I would walk around like Justin Bieber. But after years of observing and studying this subject, I’ve noticed a few common threads between all magnetic leaders.

What’s the ‘it’ factor?

The ‘it’ factor is a combination of confidence, presence, and charisma. The ability to fully emerse yourself into the moment while expressing complete authenticity. Because you occupy such large social space, your words and actions carry substantial weight. People devote themselves to you for making them feel alive and inspired.

It’s innate. Yet developable through time and effort. Success can help but isn’t the answer. Driving a Mercedes or traveling to Europe provides an ego boost. But this temporary, superficial sense of existence doesn’t change who you are at the core. Money and validation don’t give you more ‘it.’

The ‘It’ factor is based on your deep-seated beliefs towards your self-perceived importance. The strength of your aura is simply a reflection of your inner world. Biology and childhood are certainly contributing factors. But since they’re unchangeable, we can only work on the the person we are today.

Ability to connect with others

Charisma is about making people feel important. Whether it’s a warm smile or being a good listener, everybody has their own style of effective communication.

Being present

Presence is equivalent to status.

People with the ‘it’ factor are never somewhere else. Instead, is aware of their surroundings and giving 100% attention to the activities they’re engaging in. Their presence is powerful because they’re present. It’s that simple.

Courage

Another common denominator among the alpha personalities is mental fortitude. The ability to endure discomfort and take risks. Leaders are typically the toughest ones in the group.

Standards

Charismatic people have a keen sense of what they are and aren’t willing to accept. Their firm boundaries and the willingness to say ‘no’ to anything or anyone that doesn’t serve their best interests is plain sexy.

Drive

Confident people love being tested. Anything easy isn’t worth trying.

My journey from being invisible to confident

I started living in my uncle’s home at 11 years old. Separated by unfamiliarity and a generation gap, I isolated. Every Friday was the family day where all of their children and grandchildren gathered home.

I never spoke a word during dinner. But instead, stood in the middle of the stairs after the meal while everybody else was chatting and playing. I never truly felt like a part of the family. Years of this affected my psyche and turned me into an observer, quietly listening to other’s stories and blending into the background. I often found myself dismissed and ignored. Nobody responded to my comments in a group conversation. Most times, they would forget I was even in the room with them.

I was the opposite of having ‘it.’ My mind was constantly stuck wandering the past and future. As my college mental health counselor once told me, “since I’ve met you, you have never been here.”

A lot has changed since. I might even say I’m a little above average in terms of my presence nowadays. The point is, how did I get from there to here? I’ve asked myself repeatedly.

I used to focus on others too much. Keeping merely 10% of my personal power while giving the rest to the world. I involved myself with whatever my friends were doing and shoved my own priorities to the backseat. People easily affected the way I thought and behaved. I didn’t belong to myself.

As the years went on, I learned to take more ownership of myself by regathering my energy. In a simpler metaphor, I’ve always been lending my money to others and leaving myself poor. As soon as I stopped giving it away, my bank account grew. That’s made the world of difference for me. Being full of myself, and nobody else.

Life is a mirror. The more you value your sense of existence, the more other do the same.

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This post was previously published on Change Becomes You.

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